The problem with pigeons is that they don’t like to get caught. It’s even worse when they’re glowing green and being chased by an angry teddy bear.
Because of this, Crash found himself in a park full of zombies, standing at the edge of a water fountain, while the dumb bird sat on the edge of a water spout, cooing loudly.
The little girl was walking around in circles behind him, saying “Elmobutter” over and over again for no good reason. Crash was trying to ignore her.
“Birdie,” Crash called out as nicely as he could, “pwease, birdie, pwease come here! I wanna give you a cwacker!”
The pigeon looked at Crash, looked at both his hands, and saw that there was no cracker at all.
“Coo,” said the pigeon unhappily.
“Dat’s it!” growled Crash, grabbing the girl by the arm and pulling her up onto the edge of the fountain. He tugged on her arm until she paid attention, and then stared up at his green enemy.
“Wittle girl,” he said sternly, “want bwains?”
The little girl got a big smile on her face like she was being offered chocolate-covered candy for breakfast. She nodded very enthusiastically.
“Yes, teddy! Yes please!”
Crash pointed at the pigeon.
“Birdie bwains are extra squishy!” he sneered, and the pigeon become very scared.
Crash jumped up onto the girl’s head and kept pointing at the bird.
“Charge!” he shouted, and the girl jumped into the water fountain, wading through without much trouble… the water only came up to her waist, but on Crash it would have been over his head. They reached the spout at the middle in no time at all, and Crash jumped off and stood right next to the pigeon, who was trembling with fear.
“Birdie,” Crash said as calmly as he could manage, “Where is my waser bwaster? Tell me now or I will hafta be vewy angwy wiff you.”
The pigeon thought for a second, and then leaned in towards Crash, like it was about to tell him a secret. He thought this was especially strange, since he was pretty sure pigeons couldn’t talk… but he leaned closer too, just in case.
And then, the pigeon started to fly away. Crash reached out fast, tried to catch it, but it was too fluttery and his arms were too short. He missed it completely, and got a big splatter of bird poop on his forehead, too.
Crash jumped down into the water and washed off his head, keeping a careful eye on the bird, which was now sitting on a lamp post, watching the zombies wander around below it.
Crash climbed out of the water fountain and tried to shake himself dry.
“Okay, wittle girl,” he said seriously, “We’re gonna hafta go chase dat birdie some more, okay?”
The little girl didn’t say anything.
In fact, the little girl was completely gone. Crash looked around urgently, trying to figure out where she’d gone off to. And then he saw her, about to cross the busy street, weebly-wobbly and not paying any attention to the cars that were zipping by in every direction.
The thing about zombies is that they drive like maniacs. Normal people are pretty bad to begin with, but when a person becomes a zombie, they just put their foot on the gas and steer left and right and left again without really trying to go anywhere in particular. So crossing a street filled with zombie-driven cars is a lot like trying to play dodge ball with pointy rocks.
Crash ran as fast as he could, rushing towards the little girl as she stepped out into the cross walk! A small red car charged towards her, but luckily turned to the side at the last second and missed her.
But right behind that one, another, bigger blue truck was about to turn her into a pancake, while the driver was looking out the window waving his tongue in the air like a very silly dog. There was no time to lose… Crash jumped with all his might and grabbed hold of the girl’s head, and the force of it pushed her to the other side of the street, where she landed on the ground with a big kerthump.
Crash flew off her head and bounced along the sidewalk until he landed against a building so hard a potted plant fell off a window sill and splatted onto his head.
Crash was not amused.
“Teddy!” the girl giggled, and came to give him a hug, “Can I eat brains now?”
“No,” grumbled Crash, “No bwains. Stop asking about bwains. Dat’s it. Bwains? No. Bwains are done. Finito. End of stowy. Deeeeee end. Got it?”
The little girl looked like she was about to cry. She choked back a sob and her bottom lip curled down so much Crash was afraid she was going to lick him or something.
“Okay okay okay,” he sighed, “No more bwains, but if you huwwy, we can get you a pet birdie. How’s dat sound?”
The little girl immediately looked happy. She started bouncing up and down, and Crash had to try really hard to keep his head from falling off.
“Okay!” he yelled, “we gotta go! Fowwow dat birdie! Da gween one in da sky! Huwwy!”
And so the little girl started off towards the middle of the city, following the bright green dot towards a giant column of smoke in the distance…
