By A.M. Harte
Posted May 24, 2011
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LONDON – Police investigators have today found irrefutable evidence that vampires are simply zombies in disguise. The investigation, which was prompted by an anonymous tip, revealed that a vampire’s good looks and immortality are due to advances in transhuman medicine and not to vampire infection as previously believed.
The Camden Road Police Station received the anonymous tip a week ago, when officers were called to St Pancras Hospital after a 109-year-old vampire with symptoms of decay was admitted.
The vampire, Ed Masen, was visiting girlfriend Isabel Crowe for a long weekend when his finger fell off during an intimate moment.
“It took me by complete surprise,” said Crowe during an exclusive interview with 9881 News, adding, “I loved him, but now that he’s begun to decay I just don’t feel the same way anymore.”
Masen had previously spent two weeks in Transylvania, where detectives have uncovered a thriving black market for vampirification — a combination of plastic surgery, botox and illegal pharmaceuticals which reprogram a zombie’s ‘time’ gene into indefinitely preserving the body.
“It’s a very popular surgery,” confirmed a practitioner in Alba Iulia, ex-capital of the Transylvanian region. “Everyone is afraid of dying, and zombies are no different. Vampirification in fact betters their quality of life, helping them to maintain their mental and emotional faculties.” But Masen’s surgery was botched by an inexperienced doctor.
Millions of disappointed teenage vampire fans have taken to the streets today, burning tomes of vampire literature in protest. Camden’s streets are already littered with ash, all that remains of thousands of copies of latest vampire hit Twine Light after doctors pinpointed the cause of the infamous ‘vampiric sparkle’ as a side-effect of full-body plastic surgery.
“I feel betrayed,” admitted Crowe, her own copy of Twine Light discarded at her feet. “All this time I thought he loved me, but really he was just a coward, just another monster hungry for my flesh.” Retrospectively, Crowe admits that the “signs were all there”, but she didn’t want to face them.
But the revelation has not been a complete surprise to all, with some bystanders watching the proceedings with thinly veiled amusement. “We’ve known all along,” said Scotland Yard rather smugly. When asked why they’d allowed an entire generation to be misled by literature, they refused to comment.
Ed Mason was available for interview, but only groaned repeatedly in reply to our questions.
Police have urged all depressed teenagers to call the Vampire Recovery helpline, a support group which has published best-selling self-help guides such as Hungry For You.
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