By Finn Harcourt
Posted June 28, 2010
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So your town’s got an outbreak of zombieism. The dead have risen from the grave, glassy-eyed and stumbling around like English soccer fans after a World Cup defeat. They’ve started devouring your friends and neighbours, and odds are, they’re coming for you next.
Now take a moment to relax, because there are important things to remember. Most critically, never forget that zombies are dumb as all bloody hell. Put a lampshade on your head and they’ll walk right by you. But okay, let’s say you don’t have any lampshades handy, and your shotgun is low on ammo. Not to worry! Statistics suggest the easiest way to survive a zombie outbreak is to employ the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) to help you out.
Here are eight options for you to consider:
1. Siege Mentality: As we all know, the music industry has been under attack for years now. If there’s a group of people who can give you advice on dealing with apocalyptic scenarios, it’s the RIAA. They have pages and pages of failed and possibly-workable plans to get you out of any situation. Just substitute “molotov cocktail” for “lawsuit” and you’ll be fine.
2. Popstars: The RIAA is made up of record companies, and what do record companies do best? After lawsuits, I mean. Yes! Creating popstars out of borderline-comatose slugs! All you need to do is convince them the zombies at your door are the next big boy band, and you’ll be safe in no time (as long as you don’t watch TV or listen to the radio).
3. Copyright Infringement: If there’s one thing the RIAA hates, it’s copyright infringement. Cash in on this by stringing an iPod around a zombie’s neck, and yell “Look! A music pirate!” A word of warning, though: seeing humans devour zombies is a lot more gruesome than the other way around.
4. Studies: If your home is reasonably fortified and you have a good supply of food on-hand, your biggest threat may be fear. In that case, crack open one of the RIAA-funded market studies and take comfort in the fact that the greatest threat to civilization isn’t the zombie horde outside your window, but file sharing! Phew! That puts everything in perspective!
5. Guilt: While zombies have extremely limited brain function, certain deep-set emotions can be accessed if you try hard enough. Convince the RIAA to start a zombie-targeted anti-piracy campaign meant to guilt-trip them into submission, and it may enrage them enough that they’ll begin stalking Justin Bieber instead.
6. Payola: It’s not just for manipulating the Billboard charts! For a little money, music industry insiders will cover your neighbour’s house with buckets of human blood and enough small animals to draw the zombies away from your front door! Bonus: for an extra $1,000, they’ll give you a little platinum-selling record plaque to hang on your wall!
7. Lawyers: The only thing scarier than brain-eating corpses are, of course, lawyers. In fact, the fear of lawyers can be so strong that even the zombies themselves will turn and run. Even just a pair of 40-somethings in pinstripe suits and briefcases can be enough to clear your yard!
8. Cannon Fodder: If all else fails, sometimes a little buffer zone can be the difference between life and undeath. Call the RIAA and arrange a meeting to deal with “digital rights issues”. When they arrive in their private helicopter (funded by unpaid royalties to artists!), simply refuse to open your door, and hopefully the zombies will fill themselves up with all the lawyer meat and leave you alone.
This post is inspired by the wonderful Linkbait Generator, which may or may not be one of eight shocking causes of brain cancer in Swedish supermodels.
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