The Event is now concluded. Thank you for your patronage. Tip your waitress. Good evening.
11:36 — It’s been a fun time, peeps. Thanks for playing along. Be sure to check out the rest of 1889.ca, and buy some of our iBooks (cough) so you’re ready when your iPad arrives!
11:35 — That’s it! A puff of smoke, and Steve disappeared! Angels singing, all that stuff.
11:34 — More paint splatter artwork. I don’t know what they think that implies, but to me, it says someone’s kid got into the wrong cupboard and made a mess.
11:33 — We are all being asked for our credit cards before we’re able to leave the room. Well, at least we get to decide if we want 5 or 10 iPads to start.
11:31 — Steve: “Do we have what it takes to sell the iPad? Yes. iPhones have been sending out mind control waves for months now, preparing the herd… I mean the customer base… for this moment.”
11:30 — People are waving lighters in the air, chanting “Praise be to Steve, Saver of Worlds!” I did NOT sign up for this.
11:29 — “This will be a whole new goldrush for app developers.” Palm CEO, chained to seat in front row, is trying to scream through his gag.
11:28 — RDF in full force. iPad video is playing, and it sounds like half the audience is having an orgasm.
11:27 — Cool accessory: leather case that opens like a book. Costs as much as an iPod Touch, but it’s SO SEXY!
11:26 — “It’s going to change the way we do the things we do.” Wasn’t that a Tom Hanks movie?
11:25 — Phil: ”There’s not right or wrong way to hold it.” But based on Steve’s glare, I think there IS a wrong way to hold it…
11:23 — Gizmodo is reporting there is no camera on the device at all. I think someone had big money on it having a camera, because there’s a lot of cursing going on.
11:22 — Worldwide availability in 60 days. 90 days for WiFi-only version. If you own a PC, you have to wait another 15 days for the stench of Dell to wear off before the iPad will activate.
11:21 — $629 for 3G, up to $829 for 64GB of storage and a partridge in a pear tree.
11:20 — $499 for 16GB without 3G or touchscreen capability.
11:20 — Whoa, sorry, missed a zero there.
11:19 — $80.
11:18 — Recapping features. Fast processor, big storage, big screen, huge border, battery life, magic carpet…
11:16 — All iPads are unlocked, so you can use them with any carrier you like, unless you like your life, in which case you’ll do what Apple recommends.
11:15 — Wireless plans: $15/month for 250MB, and $30/month for unlimited. All traffic routed through the Death Star, so no more poor reception like AT&T.
11:13 — “Isn’t it great?” Cheers. ”Well you can’t have one for another 6 months. HA HA SUCKERS!”
11:12 — Steve is back onstage. His halo is glowing something fierce now.
11:11 — iWork apps are $9.99 each, or $30 if you want themmmmm waitasecond, that’s the same price. Aren’t bundles supposed to be cheaper?
11:10 — “The perfect tool for businesspeople who want to be able to leave their computers at home and still make their PC friends look like Neanderthals.”
11:08 — Now demoing Numbers. File already open… “aapl_backdating.numbers”. Hey cool!
11:06 — New Pages is really cool. Phil Schiller is demoing it, and keeps making typos, and Pages doesn’t try and correct them for him. It’s making his face turn red.
11:05 — There’s something very Star Trek:TNG about this whole thing. I keep expecting him to demo how to eject the warp core via Keynote.
11:02 — Demoing Keynote. You can drag and drop slides around, just like with old slide projectors! It’s retro, people, retro!
11:01 — New versions of Keynote, Pages and Numbers built specifically for the iPad, so you can really experience the torture of trying to type on a virtual keyboard while doing serious work.
11:00 — New version of iWork to run on the iPad. ”Will continue to rock its own little world!”
10:59 — It uses the ePub format, so you can read things like The Vector or The Man With the Improbable Leg or Typhoon very easily!
10:58 — Turn the page by touching anywhere on the right. Special double-tap feature lets you skip a page “by accident” so you can be confused about why the hero is suddenly off the pirate ship and back in the tavern.
10:57 — Download right into the app. read right away. ”Just like the Kindle, only not sucky.”
10:56 — App looks like you’re staring down at a book. And a dog-eared book, too. Can’t they take better care of these things? I mean, just because you keep it on the back of the toilet doesn’t mean you can’t, I dunno, treat it with a little respect.
10:55 — Sure, sure. It’ll revolutionize the book industry. Blah blah blah.
10:54 — iBooks! Wait, I owned one of those already. What the hell, Steve?
10:53 — Some people are criticizing the pixel doubling feature, but I think it’s great! Sharp graphics give me a headache! I LIKE feeling like I need new glasses all the time!
10:51 — There are a bunch of Apple fanboys in the back singing Kumbaya and holding hands. I think they’re attending a different press conference than the rest of us.
10:50 — Last up is MLB.com, which will undoubtedly signal that baseball is about to be revolutionized or something. And about time, too!
10:48 — Demoing racing game. ”Just like the real thing!” The iPad will revolutionize the car industry! Look out, Toyota!
10:47 — Now the Electronic Arts CEO is onstage to talk about OH MY GOD, CABBAGE AGAIN?! Not ALL their games, suck, people!
10:46 — Showing off a painting app, which lets you pretend to be an artist! The iPad will revolutionize the art world! Or not.
10:45 — Sorry, I misspelled “obliterate”.
10:45 — “The iPad will revolutionize the print industry!”
10:44 — Reading the NYT on the iPad is just like reading the paper version. Emits special chemicals from the screen to stain your fingers and have the room smell if you leave it open too long. Also, comes with free earwigs, to complete the paper effect.
10:43 — Next up is someone from the NYT to talk about the iPad. Making custom portal like they did for the iPhone. ”With this, we can delay the inevitable for a few more months.”
10:42 — Someone in the audience just made a joke about iPadThai. Got a few chuckles until the snipers went to work.
10:41 — Gizmodo is reporting the iPad can throw grenades. I haven’t seen that functionality myself.
10:40 — Mike Cane is being escorted from the building.
10:39 — “WHERE’S MY F**KING iWORK UPDATE, STEVE?! WHERE THE F**K IS IT? I WANT INNOVATION FROM YOU, C*CKSUCKER, NOT F**KING VIDEO GAMES! WHERE ARE MY EBOOKS?!”
10:38 — Inviting people onstage to speak about the iPad. First up is a guy in a funny mask….
10:37 — Can run all existing iPhone apps by expanding the images so they fill the screen. And by fill the screen, I mean ignoring that big honkin’ black border all around the outside.
10:35 — Has 32GB of space built-in, expandable to 100GB with AHAHAHAHAHAHA just kidding. Expandable Apple products? As if!
10:34 — Ooo! First bug of the presentation! Paramedics!
10:33 — Can stop bullets fired at close range. Tim Cook onstage to demonstrate.
10:32 — Still, this beats the hell out of my old magic carpet.
10:31 — On a single battery charge, I mean.
10:31 — You can fly from San Fran to Tokyo on it.
10:30 — Steve hard heard that Gizmodo, Engadget, Ars and Twitter have gone down under the strain of his announcement. He is laughing maniacally.
10:28 — .5 inches thin. 1.5 pounds. 9.7 inch capacitive multitouch screen with 3D simulation built in and the ability to create portals to other dimensions.
10:27 — He’s watching clips of Star Trek. ”I love that new Uhura, don’t you? She’d look good in shiny white plastic…” Is he drooling? Oh dear.
10:26 — You can watch HD movies full-screen! And by full-screen, he means inside that tiny window with the big black border around it!
NOTE: Today’s liveblogging is brought to you by The Man With the Improbable Leg, also about tablets.
10:25 — Demoing calendars. Steve has a busier schedule than 1889.ca! Crazy!
10:23 — “Listening to music is easier than ever.” I never found it hard myself. My ears do not require a software update. OH MY GOD, STEVE JOBS IS A CYBORG!
10:21 — Ah, special x-ray camera to detect uncoolness. Linux geeks in the crowd are getting restless. Bill Gates is openly weeping.
10:20 — Can take photos with THREE CAMERAS INLINE. Front and back I can see, but where’s the third?
10:19 — “Writing email has never been easier. Except on a real computer.”
10:18 — Wait, no, he just plain threw it. Poor Engadget writers. Sounds like broken teeth.
10:17 — Cool feature of iPad: you can fold it into a paper airplane and throw it!
10:16 — Going to Time.com to see live coverage of the iPad release. The recursion, it burns!
10:15 — Navigating the web via Safari. No Flash. Crowd cheers!
10:14 — A full keyboard! Except for the missing keys! And the lack of tactile feedback! And… wait, this can’t be a feature, can it?
10:13 — You can read books as if they’re paper books! Yes! A blending of antiquated technology with modern touchscreen goodness!
10:11 — Big, thin, shiny, and with a nice thick border around it so it appears more useful than it is when off!
10:10 — The fourth Apple product line is feminine hygiene products? Wow!
10:10 — Introducing the iPad.
10:09 — Someone just yelled “GET F**KING ON WITH IT, YOU SH*T FOR BRAINS!” from the back of the room. $5 says it’s Mike Cane.
10:08 — Just read on Twitter that Twitter is down.
10:07 — Steve is laughing at us all for blogging that.
10:06 — Get their money from 3 product lines. Phones, Music, and Computers. Adding fourth line today: paintbrushes!
10:05 — 3 billion apps downloaded from the App store. 2 billion of them complete and utter crap. Also being punished.
10:04 — Apple has sold 250 million iPhones. Since January 1. ”Unacceptable. Has been punished.”
10:03 — “Harry Potter-branded iPhones!”
10:03 — “Want to unveil some truly magical products today…”
10:02 — Steve Jobs onstage. Cheering and some strange chanting going on. He has some kind of shiny white halo over his head. It’s pulsing very slowly. Mesmerizing…
10:01 — Tim Cook is taking the stage! People booing! Where did they get cabbage?
10:00 — The big moment! Cheering! Roaring! Insanity! Cats and dogs living together! Mass hysteria!
9:59 — Ha ha, just kidding.
9:59 — Apple store is updated! There it is!
9:58 — Special gas being piped through the air ducts. Feeliong really happy right now! Wheee! RDF enhancement! Yay!
9:57 — Being asked to silence our cellphones, or be silenced ourselves.
9:56 — Lights are dimming!
9:55 — Final information from anonymous sources: Tablet will come in 10″ and 15″ versions, recognize your face through the camera, play movies in HD, and synchronize to SkyNet so the iTerminators know where you are at all times.
9:53 — OMG, that’s totally the McGraw-Hill CEO hanging from the rafters! LOL!
9:52 — Bill Gates in the audience, posting to Twitter.
9:51 — We have it on good authority that Jason Calacanis is a doofus. Insider information. Can’t disclose.
NOTE: Today’s liveblogging is brought to you by The Man With the Improbable Leg, also about tablets.
9:49 — Ha ha, just kidding. Going for nostalgia. How ya likin’ it?
9:48 — Music selection for this morning: Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds by the Be… OH MY GOD! BEATLES ON iTUNES! OH MY GOD!
9:47 — As with everything Apple, the early adopters get bitten. And possibly die. Wow, that got real swollen, real fast.
9:46 — Ooo! Poisonous snakes! That’ll teach ya!
9:44 — As with other Apple events, they are packages taped beneath the chairs in the auditorium. We’ve been told not to touch them, so you know everybody is going to try.
9:42 — Didn’t fly. But Scoble did! Paramedics please!
9:41 — We’re heading into the auditorium! Lots of people pushing for good seats. Robert Scoble is trying to reserve the entire front row, but I don’t think that’s gonna fly.
9:39AM —Wait, no, Gizmodo’s been drinking again. They’re talking about magic fairies that deliver iWork updates in your sleep.
9:36AM — Paintbrush DOES explain the invite design, and also the fact they’re taking all sharp objects away from us. Just got my shiny white jumpsuit. I’m #5133, if anyone wants to chat!
9:35AM — Gizmodo is reporting the tablet rumours are false, and Steve Jobs is actually releasing a special aluminum paintbrush today.
9:32AM — We’re being strip searched on the sidewalk. A guy behind me had a Droid phone, and was tossed in front of a bus. Awesome!
9:31AM — Wait, David Pogue got hit in the face, and he’s a full octave higher.
9:31AM — In line outside the auditorium with the rest of the “press”. Michael Arrington is throwing eggs at the crowd, calling us all “sell outs”. I’ve never seen a man cry at that high pitch before.
9:30AM — Hello and welcome to 1889’s coverage of the Apple iTablet press event! We’ve still got half an hour before things get underway, so in the meantime, go find your popcorn and/or vodka, and get ready for the fun. I’m PTTBT’s Erin Barkley, ready to help make sense of the insanity we’re about to see.
Updates will be posted to the TOP of this page, and it will refresh every 30 seconds, so you don’t need to.
