FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: 1889 Labs today announced it has changed its mind about the consumption of its books — especially the evolving crime novel Fission Chips — and is henceforth revoking all public reading rights to its catalogue.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time, having an audience,” said Smithers Winston, president-in-chief of 1889 Labs. ”But when you really think about it, if people can read what you’ve written, they might feel some sense of satisfaction, which goes against our corporate policy of ‘Make Everyone Suffer’.”
In addition to the removal of all copies of the books from the internet, the new rule applies retroactively to all versions back to early 2006, including those stored in unconventional media such as human brains. Experts will be dispatched under cover of darkness to retrieve all memories of having read the books, using a special device known as a “bone saw”. There will be a customer complaints line set up for survivors.
The program is the brainchild of noted copyright scholar Dr Gluben von Sinister, whose widely-adopted DRM techniques made news last year after causing Kindles to explode if the user tried to re-read any page more than once. Dr von Sinister is the recipient of the Publishing Industry’s highest accolade, the Godwin Award, for “crimes against humanity for the benefit of the bottom line.”
“We’re committed to an enriching experience,” added Smithers Winston. ”Just not for you. You are filthy thieving heathens. Now get out of my office.”
